What to Do When Your Child is Having a Breakdown…

Tantrums and meltdowns are very common in young children. The first

thing we need to do as parents and caregivers is to understand the root cause

of the meltdown. Of course, that is not always easy since tantrums are often

generated by a lot of different things. The most common reasons for

meltdowns and tantrums are fear, frustration, and sensory overload.

Young children don't always have the words to say exactly what they need

and that fuels frustration and sensory overload. Often parents and

caregivers think that tantrums and meltdowns are caused by a child who is

being willful and doing it out of spite, but in my experience over years of

working with families, willfulness is rarely the cause. Most meltdowns are not

voluntary or willful, but they are a learned response that helps young children

communicate their needs and wants.

The goal with children who are more prone to meltdowns is to help them

gain skills to unlearn the response of tantrums while learning a response

(Increasing communication, using sign language, pointing, or gesturing for

very young children) that will help get the desired result of the child (as

well as the parent). Teaching older preschool and school age children to

compromise or comply with expectations in exchange for a positive reward can

be helpful.

Positive rewards do not need to cost money though. In fact, I highly

recommend that your positive rewards are about connecting with your child

and are not monetary or food based. Game nights, painting nails together,

cooking a special treat together, building forts, Lego nights, coloring nights

or craft time are the best rewards for children and the time together wires

their brain with a desire to be good by reinforcing positive attention over

negative attention. Follow the child's interest and development to find a

positive reward that works.

Here are 10 steps to keep in mind when your child is having a meltdown:

1. Don't yell to be heard over a screaming child.

2. Validate their feelings but not their actions.

3. Respect their personal space.

4. Practice deep breathing exercises.

5. Decrease sensory stimulation.

6. Acknowledge your child's right to refuse.

7. Answer questions but ignore verbal aggression.

8. Be aware of your body language.

9. Remain nonjudgmental.

10. Get down to your child's level.