Positive vs Negative Attention Wires the Brain…

Studies show that how you speak to children has the biggest impact on a

child's behavior over time. Many times, the attention children receive from

caregivers and parents focus more on what they are doing wrong rather than

what is going well. Although we need to correct behaviors when we see them

and help children make better choices, we also need to have a realistic view of

what children can do in comparison to adults.

As humans we have a deep need for connection, it is ingrained in who we

are and is necessary for our survival. If we only notice the things that our

children are doing wrong, we are training our child's brain to seek attention

through negative connection to you.

Negative connection to you shows up as tantrums, meltdowns, talking

back, lying, bullying, hitting and other challenging behaviors. Instead, our

focus should be on what they are doing well at a rate of 5-10 times more than

what they are doing wrong. When we do this, we are wiring the brain for

positive attention seeking in children. This is good because (1) it causes less

conflict and challenges in the home and classroom and (2) we can train the

brain for positive connection to you. Positive connections focus on closeness,

intimacy, sharing of feelings, being a safe harbor for your child and coregulating

the stresses of life together. It builds resilience in both caregiver and child and

can reduce the number of conflicts and challenges in the home and classroom

drastically.

Here are some great ways to notice positive behaviors in the classroom and at

home that will help you to increase positive connection and pro-social skill

building with your child. If your child is doing one of these behaviors or any

other pro-social behavior, notice it and show gratitude to them for

displaying that behavior. For example, if you see your child helping you, stop

and notice it. Say "wow, I noticed you helping me today, thank you for helping

me today, your help really makes a difference in our house/classroom."

Here are some other praise-worthy and positive behaviors:

-Sitting still.

-Following directions.

-Helping you.

-Putting toys away.

-Taking turns.

-Waiting for you to finish talking.

-Playing gently with toys or friends.

-Playing quietly.

-Being patient.

-Having a good idea.

-Being artistic.

-Having good manners.

-Talking with a normal voice.

-Listening carefully.

-Helping someone else.