The Knots of Tension in Parenting Young Children

Knots of tension can exist in many relationships

including friendships and marriage. It includes a set of

distressing feelings and behaviors linked to a particular

situation. In parenting young children some of the

most common situations are:

-Separation times

-Toilet training

-Bedtime

-Doctor's offices

-Transitions

-Meals

These are all areas where parents can feel some anxiety or emotional intensity

while children feel emotionally charged in these situations, feeling helpless,

overwhelmed and alone.

It takes two people to "pull the knot" and typically we either pull the knot tighter

or loosen the knot.

Ways that we tighten the knot:

-Punishment -Withdrawing love -Scolding, yelling and threats

-Time out or other separation -Giving in and then resenting it -Forcing

compliance -Labeling the child as "bad" -Avoiding the issue all together

Ways that we loosen the knot:

-Laughter and playfulness -Empathy for the child's feelings -Increased closeness

and connection -Unconditional love -Looking at our own behavior and feelings

-Release of feelings

The two best ways to introduce loosen the knots of tension is through:

-One-on-one time with parent and child. The child oversees choosing what to do

while the parent is extra enthusiastic.

-Playtime where the parent gently introduces themes that are related to the

knot of tension. For example, with tensions about separation, you can playfully

introduce lots of goodbyes and reunions. For tensions around doctors' visits, you

can playfully introduce pretending to be at the doctors office and give pretend

shots, taking pretend temperatures, etc.