No, Your Upset Child Probably Isn’t Manipulating You…

Many people think that children who throw

tantrums or show distress are doing it as a way

of manipulating adults. This mischaracterization

in the way that adults think directly affects children

and couldn't be further from the truth.

Children's meltdowns are not manipulative, but they do indicate a need to

look for internal mechanisms. Their meltdowns are rarely about us but can feel

very personal and are often taken that way by adults.

Now, imagine your upset with something that happened at work or while driving.

Imagine someone talks to you disrespectfully. Are you being manipulative when

you share this with a friend or partner? Of course not. As adults we understand

that we might need to vent and look for support in others, but your children or

the children in your classroom have brains that are still growing. They need

supportive adults to help them manage their emotions.

Labeling a child is manipulative implies that the child is doing this on

purpose. But the problem for children isn't that it's about anybody else, it's about

their own brain and body and their own neural circuitry.

Challenging behaviors are external expressions of a child's internal distress

which can spiral into an emotional hijacking of their brain. Children aren't

controlling these behavioral responses or directing them at anyone. Massive

meltdowns are the last stage of a child becoming increasingly out of control

internally, they aren't about anyone else.

Take an example of reading in a classroom of 8-year-olds. Developmentally

reading fluency increases with age but in that classroom of 8-year-olds you're also

going to have a full spectrum of reading abilities. Some 8-year-olds might be

reading chapter books while other 8-year-olds are still reading picture books. The

children reading picture books aren't choosing to have a harder time at reading.

They're struggling to get it right. They aren't manipulating when they get

frustrated with a chapter book, but instead a child struggling to meet the

demand of a chapter book.

When we see a child as struggling to meet the demand, we can start to

develop solutions that target the actual problem. We might give the child more

time and space to read, we might assist them in building their reading skills.

Behavior is the same way.