Why Yelling at Children Doesn’t Work…

Although it's really common to have parents that raise

their voice today, we're going to unpack why we yell

and how yelling can affect children.

Why do we yell?

People yell because it's a go to response when they're

angry. There's nothing wrong with feeling angry, it's

what we do with that anger that matters.

Anger is simply an emotion we feel and should take some time to pay

attention to. Anger is an important indicator of emotion. It's like the check

engine light inside your car. When the check engine light comes on, we know

that something is going on inside the car that could affect its performance. Anger

functions in much the same way for the body. When we feel angry, that's an

indicator that something is wrong inside our body. We may need to listen to that

feeling to figure out why we feel that way. Sometimes anger is an indicator that

we need to set a boundary to protect our healthy way of interacting with people.

Sometimes anger is an indicator of some unhealed portion of ourselves. Taking

some time out to investigate why we're feeling that way and what might be

coming up can help us resolve those unhealed portions of us.

Yelling is counterproductive to changing behavior in our children.

Here are a few reasons why:

I. Yelling makes children unable to learn and leads to poor school outcomes.

Yelling causes children to go into fight or flight mode; a physiological reaction

when our brain perceives something as threatening. When we are in a fight or

flight response we cannot learn. Parts of our brain begin to shut down as they are

telling your child that this big person yelling down at them is a threat.

Il. Yelling makes children feel devalued. Feeling valued by others is how we

measure our self-worth and how we determine how we matter to the world

around us. When we're yelled at, we see ourselves as inadequate and question our

capabilities.

III. Yelling fuels mental health issues. Studies have found that children who are

yelled at are prone to increased levels of depression and anxiety. One study by

Neil Bernstein, a clinical psychologist found that negativity is the fuel anxiety and

depression need to exist and that being yelled at creates an "explosion of

negativity that lingers for a long time."

IV. Yelling interferes with relationships and bonding. Yelling puts you and your

child at odds with each other and makes your child feel like you're not on their

team. Children leave interactions where they've been yelled at feeling defiant,

defensive, and disconnected from you. They also don't learn anything from it as

they are not open to change, receptive or deeply connected to you.

V. Yelling leads to delinquent behaviors. Multiple studies have illustrated how

yelling harms children. A study out of the National Library of medicine found that

being yelled at frequently can change the way a child's brain develops. They are

less intrinsically motivated to do good things and more motivated to respond to

negative attention through negative behaviors.

VI. Yelling creates children that yell. When we yell at our children we activate

"mirror neurons" - a part of the brain that mirrors the behavior of others. Parents

who yell teach their children how to similarly overreact when they encounter

frustration.