How to Raise a Thankful Child…

As we enter the wonderful season of Christmas,

reflecting on the gratitude we have, we may find

ourselves reflecting on how to raise a thankful child.

From thinking about how to teach the social scripts of

thank you, should a 2-year-old be forced to say thank

you to Grandma for a gift? Should a 4-year-old sign a

thank you note for a birthday present?

Should a 6-year-old show appreciation for a large helping of spinach and

cranberry sauce on his or her Thanksgiving plate? Many parents have the best

intentions of raising a thankful child as part of their parenting plan. We tend to

use the social graces of please and thank you as one way of raising a "good

kid." Of course, manners such as these are important tools for getting along

and working together with others in our community and family.

Even young children can be taught to say please and thank you. Parents

help along the way, giving them prompts ("What do you say?"), refusing the

requested item ("You can have the cookie once I hear the magic words"), and

parental modeling ("Could you please pass the milk?"). These are ways to

encourage learning manners. But is learning to say thank you the same as

being thankful.

Take a moment to think about something in the past year for which you are

very thankful. Maybe it's a person, place, thing or an event? Did you say thank

you? In what way did you express your gratitude? Did it feel sincere or more like

satisfying a social grace?

The development of morality and values is marked in part by the

emergence of the rnoral emotions such as shame, pride, guilt,

embarrassment, and empathy. Through our decision we encounter moral

emotions, and as these emotions develop, they allow children to feel a response

in relationship to their own actions toward others. The emotional feedback

contributes to that sense of sincerity in their life.

Our gut reactions may highlight a strong comparison between manners vs.

morals. While both reflect a piece of how we treat others, children can use

manners just by learning a social script. The problem in learning scripts for

manners is that children satisfy the social grace without experiencing the

emotional response. For example, 5-year-old Ben runs to greet his

grandmother. "Thanks, Grandma!" he says, grabbing the present out of her

grandmother's hand. He opens the box to find six pairs of white socks.

Disappointed, he says, "Thank you, Grandma, for my socks" Ben's first thanks is

genuine appreciation for receiving a present, but his second thank you is the

script that he is supposed to say.

Teaching manners is done in modeling but not always the making of

meaning. Raising thankful children is helping them make their own meaning.

Maybe it is a rumpled, crayon-scribbled card. Maybe it is a fresh bouquet of

dandelions (and a few other weeds) from the back yard or local park. Maybe it is

just a warm hug after a cold ice cream treat.

Children express thankfulness and desire to be appreciated all the time. It is

our role as parents to model appreciation and reflect those genuine feelings

back to the child. With a warm smile and a sincere voice, we can say, "Thank

you for my beautiful card. I'm going to put it up right here on the refrigerator so

our whole family can enjoy it." Thankfulness also emerges from children raised

with the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Like adults, children need to be exposed to genuine appreciation and to

feel appreciated.

Many Christmases ago, my 5-year-old son spent his allowance making me a

beautiful handmade nativity set. He put it together the manger with popsicle

sticks, felt and paper. He used little terra pots and wood beads to make Mary

and Joseph. He carefully painted eyes on their faces and wrapped it up for me

on Christmas day. The gift brought tears to my eyes, and we both knew my

appreciation was genuine. The time, money and effort put into that little gift is

still today my favorite Christmas decoration each year.

A few years ago, my other son made me some added members of that nativity

including an angel and 3 wise men. That gift brought me to tears as well and an

overwhelming sense of joy and admiration for the thoughtfulness my sons both

have. And yes, I said thank you.